Dr. Helen Hsu

Angry Children

No, this is not a post about a variation on the Angry Birds game!  April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.  Which got me thinking about anger, and how lack of understanding and poor coping skills regarding anger often leads to family conflicts and sometimes violence.

Studies have shown that a fundamental error parents who abuse their kids make, is one of attribution.  So a parent who never studied childhood development (like most parents on the face of the earth!) thinks that their toddler is willfully being oppositional to something - instead of realizing that the child may be too young to tolerate or master the task at hand.

The link below is from: Adults & Children Together against Violence, a wonderful resource for parents as well as health care practitioners.  This page explains what normal child anger looks like at various developmental ages, and has some tips for modeling Do's and Dont's about expressing anger (i.e. it is OK to get angry & to tell someone, it is NOT OK to hurt others when angry).  There are also PDF hand outs and tip sheets about handling one's own grown up anger, dealing with childrens' anger and fighting, and teaching by example.

ACT website - Managing Anger

and to read with kids:

Assert Yourself!

There are many things to admire about Lance Armstrong. As an athlete, but more so for his contributions to cancer awareness and being a role model about beating bad odds. His Livestrong non profit continues to raise all kinds of awareness. I was pleased and a bit surprised to see a really excellent article and self awareness journal exercise on the Livestrong site that I want to share:

Livestrong - assertiveness

I love you's are for White People - book review

Waiting for a friend at the FerryBuilding one day, I glanced at the Book Passage newsletter while loitering near Peet's.  Upon catching the title of this book, I almost laughed out loud.  I knew instantly that the author was Asian American. 
I understand the experience of growing up in a traditional Asian home, where "mushiness" and explicit proclamations are seen as awkward, even crass.  Parents demonstrate love with food, shelter, and the careful monitoring of educational and vocational plans.  Children show love by obedience, achievement, loyalty.
Of course, for myself and many other Asian Americans, this was not an easy lesson to sort out in a bi-cultural upbringing.  Children can't help but feel let down when they see peers being showered with encouragment and affection, while their own stoic parents criticize them.  Mixed culture families often can not "interpret" one another's worlds and emotional language.

That said, I read the book in about a day, and truly enjoyed author Lac Su's brave memoir.  Many immigrants will find much to relate to, but any reader can appreciate the foray into colorful Los Angeles communities, and the perilous development of a boy struggling into manhood.  It's a quick read as one gets pulled into the dramas of ethnic gangs and identity struggles, but also the quirky and funny moments and cast of characters who are neither villains nor heroes.  Parental concerns venture into child abuse.  Popularity is purchased at the video game machine of Shakey's Pizza.  Efforts to connect or please one another are resoundingly misunderstood and manhandled.  Friends bond over crimes and substances while Lac lives a double life: one personality and face at home-a different one to the outside world.

Positive reviewers include Dave Pelzer, possibly one of the most famous child abuse survivors who penned many a brave and inspiring book, and more importantly, lives his life as a testament to resilience.  Lac Su also shares his bumpy developmental journey, and there is much here to enrich any reader.

Can an Abuser ever really change?

One of the inevitable questions which emerge when I meet with a victim of dating or domestic violence is: Can he or she ever really change?

Ah, hope springs eternal, especially within the co-dependence that sometimes taints love... 

Sadly, I must inform each client or friend that most batterers or emotional abusers do not change their ways.  However, if the abuser is truly motivated, in rare cases, with professional and/or spiritual guidance, sometimes, only sometimes, s/he can cease the damaging and inexcusable behaviors.  Victims often fail to realize that the abuse is not actually about them at all.  Abusers tend to have maladaptive beliefs, immature coping mechanisms, and substance abuse problems or trauma histories-and lash out on others rather than stand still and look in the mirror.  That mirror of personal responsibility and growth can be quite painful, but it is the only route to freedom from one's inner demons.  No matter how perfect the victim tries to be, s/he can never shore up the abuser's ego for long.

How can one know? Here is a list of indicators that an abuser's behavior may be changing from the Eastside Domestic Violence Program of

Seattle:

• Does not blame his partner for his actions or behaviors
• Does not minimize the abuse
• Has completely stopped saying and doing things which frighten his partner
• Doesn’t punish the victim when she expresses anger
• Allows her to discuss upsetting topics without her feeling unsafe
• Listens to his partner’s opinion and respects it, even if it is upsetting
• Respects his partner’s wishes about sex and physical contact
• Allows his partner to spend time with friends and family without fear of retaliation
• Allows his partner to do others things that are important to her, such as going to school or getting a job
• Makes his partner and their children feel comfortable when interacting with the children
• Makes you feel safe leaving the children alone in his care
• Is supportive and gives complements; truly listens to you
• Shares in household work and childcare

Recommended reading: