Dr. Helen Hsu

Separations and Children

Many families, friends, and lovers have to endure separations due to military deployment, economic necessity, educational opportunity, incarceration, political strife, divorce, illness... In the age of Skype and texting, it's hard to imagine how humans ever survived long separations from their loved ones back in the days of waiting for boat-mail or lengthy journeys via horse caravan! It's hard enough for adults, but for children separations can be particularly frightening. The fear of abandonment lies at the heart of all of us, with its roots in childhood-when we depended on our caretakers for existence. When we are small, and in control of nothing - being away from family can be scary indeed. We always wonder if the parent or loved one is thinking of us. We worry if they are okay, if they miss us, if they obsess as we do... At YFS, our staff have worked with families enduring all sorts of separations. I wanted to share one of our favorite books for children dealing with separation from loved ones. Maybe you can incorporate this into your child's bedtime reading rotation:

Emotional Longevity

People often tell me that they are confused by the contradictory health advice that inundates today's media.  I often warn clients to listen to such advice with a discerning, if not downright skeptical ear.  Often advertisements and mainstream media will exagerate claims or base advice on anecdotes and shoddy surveys rather than quality empirical research. 

One source which summarizes for laypersons the reams of scientific journal articles out there is a book by Norman B. Anderson and P. Elizabeth Anderson.  If those names sound familiar, it may be because Elizabeth is the author of several other books, and Norman has been the CEO of the American Psychological Association since 2003.  I can't think of a more qualified duo to guide your average reader to determine what truly are the most important lifestyle changes one can make to attain emotional health and longevity.

Angry Children

No, this is not a post about a variation on the Angry Birds game!  April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.  Which got me thinking about anger, and how lack of understanding and poor coping skills regarding anger often leads to family conflicts and sometimes violence.

Studies have shown that a fundamental error parents who abuse their kids make, is one of attribution.  So a parent who never studied childhood development (like most parents on the face of the earth!) thinks that their toddler is willfully being oppositional to something - instead of realizing that the child may be too young to tolerate or master the task at hand.

The link below is from: Adults & Children Together against Violence, a wonderful resource for parents as well as health care practitioners.  This page explains what normal child anger looks like at various developmental ages, and has some tips for modeling Do's and Dont's about expressing anger (i.e. it is OK to get angry & to tell someone, it is NOT OK to hurt others when angry).  There are also PDF hand outs and tip sheets about handling one's own grown up anger, dealing with childrens' anger and fighting, and teaching by example.

ACT website - Managing Anger

and to read with kids:

Even "positive" stereotypes are wrong

Many students and friends have wondered if I would write about Amy Chua the so called Tiger mother whose inflammatory "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior" essay set off an avalanche of controversy in the Wall Street Journal.

All I have to say is that one can pretty much read my past blog entries i.e. "Helicoper parents" and "Education Asian style", to know where I stand on the browbeating school of parenting.  Yes, I agree a parent should push their kids hard and spend lots of time overseeing homework and enrichment.  But I feel one can do so without resorting to a single minded pursuit that denies a child all semblance of autonomy and emotional curiosity/freedom.

It's harmful to all Asians and Asian Americans when stereotypes are flung wildly about like in this article.  The seemingly positive "Model Minority" stereotype denies each of us our individuality.

And it tries to lump Chinese with Burmese, Cambodians, Vietnamese, Thai, Taiwanese, Lao, Hmong, Japanese, Koreans etc...Amy Chua does not speak for all Asian moms, not even all Chinese mom, nor Chinese American moms.  The larger powers that be love the model minority myth because it upholds the falsehood that we live in a true meritocracy.  That anyone could have "perfect" kids like Amy Chua if they simply worked as hard as those zealous Chinese mom.  It simply isn't true.  Other Asians live in poverty or may not speak English or may have learning disabilities or war trauma, or any other number of different strengths and weaknesses. Most humans on earth, (to say the least of most Asians!) do not have the educational, health, housing, and financial benefits of someone like Amy Chua.

PLease take a read at the below statement to be released by the Asian American Psychological Association:

Asian American Stereotypes

Two instances of stereotypes of Asian Americans have recently surfaced in the media.
One involved media coverage of the book, Battle hymn of the tiger mother by Yale Law School Professor Amy Chua. The media coverage of Chua’s book focused on Chinese American parents
who are strict, critical, and emphasize their children’s academic success. A Wall Street Journal essay by Chua on the book is entitled, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”.

The second stereotype involved the exclusion of Asian Americans by the National Research Council (NRC) in their rankings of the diversity of doctoral programs. Non-Asian ethnic minority students, women, and international faculty and students were included in the rankings. The implication is that the achievements and characteristics of Asian Americans are on par with those of European Americans and for this reason, Asian Americans do not bring diversity to doctoral programs.

These instances that highlight academic success are stereotypic because not all Asian Americans fit these stereotypes. However, it could be argued in both cases that the stereotypes are positive and not harmful. Academic success, whether it be among children or among students and faculty in doctoral programs, is laudable. Nevertheless, harsh parenting is not uniformly effective, and may create undue pressure and have harmful psychological consequences. A harmful effect of the apparent success of Asian Americans in higher education is invisibility in the NRC data. However, many Asian Americans have unique cultures and experiences that enhance the diversity of institutions as much as the cultures and experiences of any other minority group.

Seemingly positive stereotypes of Asian Americans as academically successful also have not resulted in acceptance into mainstream American society. Research by psychologists Thierry Devos and Mahzarin Banaji suggests that Asian Americans are viewed as less American than members of other ethnic groups in the U.S. Academic success does not immunize Asian Americans from the discrimination that targets all ethnic minority groups in the U.S.

Discrimination toward Asian Americans ranges from microaggressions such as the question “where are you from?” to institutional discrimination, such as systematic exclusion from leadership positions based on perceptions of culturally-based personality characteristics of inscrutability and passivity.

Moreover, Asian American academic success may be perceived as threatening and some would contend that Asian Americans should not receive special attention because this would constitute an unfair advantage.

Stereotypes of any group are inherently inaccurate because they try to shoehorn all members of the group being stereotyped into a single conception while ignoring the wide diversity within the group. Moreover, some stereotypes are simply wrong and are perpetuated by the majority group in order to bias perception of the targeted group. Asians in the U.S. are from at least 30 different national and cultural backgrounds and there also is much individual diversity within any Asian American group. There certainly are unique, positive characteristics of Asian American cultures that may enhance well-being, including academic achievement.

However, an exclusive focus on the academic achievements of Asian Americans has rendered them invisible at times, threatening at other times, and overlooks their needs as a minority group. Indeed,there are many Asian Americans that fit the exact opposite of the academic success stereotype,with many struggling academically and living in poverty.

The Asian American Psychological Association encourages a balanced consideration of both the strengths and needs of the over 15 million diverse people of Asian ancestry in the U.S.

FYI to read what all the fuss is about:

What is a successful divorce?

Some say that all good things must eventually come to an end.  The "what goes up, must come down" philosophy of life.  In marriage, we all enter the commitment with high hopes that the inevitable end will come only when "death do us part."

Yet we've all read the scary statistics bandied about that say 50% of all U.S. marriages will end in divorce.  Many of us who have been trained to read research carefully have issue with that over-generalization of the stats.  It's not accurate, and the statistics vary based upon too may factors to describe here.  Second and third marriages are known to fail more frequently that first ones, and those skew the statistical bent even more.  I won't bore you with a treatise on statistical analysis here (not my forte anyway), but suffice to say that one should look at all research findings with a giant grain of salt and a series of questions about quality of research design.  Don't ever believe someone simply because they throw a stat or a cool graph at you or say they are scientists.

Regardless, it is a fact that divorce is common.  Just because something is common does not mean it is easy.  Things like grief and bereavement or cancer and miscarriage are common too but no one would dare say those are easy to survive.  Most people fail to realize that getting a divorce is a lengthy and complex process that takes a great deal of time, legal assistance, financial savvy, and emotional endurance and (ideally) growth.  In the movies it seems like all one has to do is: storm out of the room demanding a divorce, show up with papers to sign, and move your stuff.  

I've listed a few books below which I feel provide important information for those navigating the minefield of divorce. Emotional and existential questions, financial chaos, legal quirks, and re-establishing a meaning and identity and family after all the adjustments are finally complete (if ever).

I say, "if ever" because one of the saddest things I have seen as a psychotherapist are people who have unsuccessfully divorced.  It sounds odd to call a sad thing like divorce "successful", but some are. 

The point of a divorce is to dissolve a marriage that for one reason or another is not working out.  In an ideal situation, both parties would eventually learn more about themselves, resolve the property and financial details that need to be settled, address the needs of children, family, and pets, and then move on without excessive bitterness, sadness, or continued conflict.  Not every couple can split amicably and be friends, but many can split reasonably and move forward.  These people may look back on that marriage with regrets but they are no longer battling for vindication or control.  It's over.

In unsuccessful divorces, one or both parties continues to hold unusually strong negative feelings, hostility, or inappropriate attachments long after the legal marriage has ended.  I have seen couples still actively bickering about faults and blame more than a decade after their divorce.  I've seen the drain this causes on children and resources, and how the divorce failed to end the conflicts and unhappiness.

In a successful divorce, you no longer have your former partner or dreams, but the strife ends.  In unsuccessful divorce, you have lost the partner and your former hopes, yet you still have ongoing strife.

Most couples wait too long before seeking professional assistance (some research notes that couples have been having issues at least 5 years prior to seeking couples counseling.)  By the time some couples came into my office, it was clear one or both already had a foot clear out the door.  For those who do make the choice to end a marriage, I hope you will put in the efforts to become educated about how to attain a successful and healthy divorce, and to learn from your experiences.

Name Your Link

Retail Therapy getting you Down?

It seems that us citizens of the United States are taking a long hard look at our spending habits.  Not so much  because it's fun - but because we're living in the middle of a financial hangover the likes of which most of us have never seen before. 

On the one hand, we have Wall Street urging us to go shopping because it's patriotic to prop up the economy.  On the other, our neighbors are getting foreclosed and our credit card bills inch skyward.  We worry that there will be no safety net come retirement age, yet we keep buying luxurious to banish such frightening thoughts.

My San Francisco office is located close to Westfield Mall (featuring Bloomingdale's and Nordstrom) and Union Square - a world class retail destination.  Yet watching the bag-laden shoppers mill about each week, actually reduces my urges to shop.  Talking with clients and friends also makes me mindful about the way, and the reasons many of us shop to our own detriment.

Perhaps you too have found yourself shopping, browsing because you are bored, sad, anxious.  A new outfit, auto part, shoes, appliance or small electronic seems like just the thing for distraction.  In popular culture we joke about "retail therapy" all the time.  Retail therapy being the use of shopping and spending to ease our emotional aches and pains.

While shopping is not physically addictive like amphetamines or alcohol - it can be incredibly behaviorally addictive; like gambling or sexual compulsion.  People have told me they buy everything from new shoes to new cars when they feel a lack of confidence.  They buy luxury brand cosmetics or colognes to spackle over their bruised egos.

The problem is that such quick fixes fail to address our true needs.  It may be uncomfortable to sit with the actual anger or insecurity that plagues us- but that's step one in remedying such issues at the core level.  Instead, many Americans find themselves with a pile of stuff which not only failed to solve their frustrations - but also heaped on a burden of debt, guilt, or shame.

To learn more in a supportive setting about how others are curbing their debt-producing habits:

Debtors Anonymous

Parenting the Teenaged Brain

I first dissected a sheep brain in 1991.  As a fellow mammal, sheep brains bear a close resemblance to our own mysterious brains.  Ferrying that brain around in a glass jar was a crude, yet educational introduction into the marvel that is a human brain. 

Every year since then,neuroscience continues to make new discoveries and improve our understanding of the parts and whole of our brains.

One important fact, which parents have long suspected, is that there is something wrong their teenagers' brains. 

The most complex portions of a human brain, responsible for judgment and impulse control, are not developed in a teen.  So for some years, you may be living with a near-adult sized person, who still functions with a child-like sense of self reflection and self control. 

This explains how a perfectly intelligent teen can still engage in wildly dangerous choices on a fairly regular basis. What's a parent to do?

Simple suggestions: Get educated.  No one expects you to become a child development expert.  But take some time to learn about adolescent development. 

Find out more about your child's peers and school. 

Do not assume that talking to them one time or one hundred times about something means they will follow your warnings and advice. 

Help them prepare to be adults with active frontal lobes (higher brain)- but be ready to catch them when they make mistakes (and have mood swings). 

Facing Aging

In hindsight, I think one of the reasons I am a fairly well-adjusted person, is because I have been preparing myself to lose my looks since I was 17 years old.

Allow me to explain, this may sound strange, but my brief reign as a local teen pageant queen actually removed illusions about the importance of physical beauty.  I won my first pageant and became "Queen," yet I knew it was not because I was somehow most beautiful.  I won based on aspects such as personality (Miss Congeniality) traits and stage presence ( I did have classes in dance and drama and had been onstage before), not for being the prettiest person present.  Heck, I wasn't even the best dressed person present. 

I was one of the youngest contestants at the pageant.  I observed my mentors and peers carefully in efforts to learn from them.  I observed that good looking people were a dime a dozen, so there was simply no point in even trying to be the "fairest of them all." 

I saw incredibly beautiful women who were also often remarkably, embarrassingly shallow.  I saw the creepy way some men flock around beauty and fail to acknowledge the human being inside the shiny dress.  I saw former pageant queens who seemed unable to let go of their crowns and reigns ever after.  And I noticed many less physically lovely people who were yet funny, lovable, witty, and considerate.  I noticed that the people most enamored with my pageant face cared the least about my love of books or my political awareness.  Who was good looking, had zero correlation with who was smart, sweet, or kind.

I only joined the pageant so as to have a community event to add to my college application.  There was no expectation to win.  No expectation that I could or would spend my life modeling or any other vanity career. 

I vowed to myself that I would find a way to build a career and a life which was not dependent on exterior factors.  I could saw the evidence before my eyes that all of us will age.  All of us will sag or wrinkle.  Every year there will be yet another Queen and her court of princesses, each one prettier than the next. 

The only security one can truly enjoy in mortal life, is the content of one's character, the quality of one's relationships, and a life of meaningful purpose.  I chose an education that will serve me long into my twilight years.  I have a career supporting, and teaching, and learning, which inspires me.  I have treasured friends and family.  Do I ever wish I still fit into that sequined dress? Sure, sometimes.  But I wouldn't trade this meaning-rich life for all the Botox, gowns, and tiaras in the world.

Men have to deal with this issue as well.  Both genders suffer blows to self esteem as our metabolism slows, our hair thins, wrinkles emerge, and we aren't as flexible or strong as we used to be.  Yet if you've built up your other assets, one can accept it all and age with grace and wisdom.  There are counselors that specialize in assisting former athletes or models to adjust to normal life and build up their other traits.  The new book Face it is by a pair of such therapists:

Aging Gracefully

 

National Day of Listening 2009

National Day of Listening

As an alternate or addendum to the usual Black friday retail frenzy, I would like to suggest that we contribute to the Storycorps tradition.  As an avid NPR listener, and an enthusiast of oral histories, I exepcted to enjoy the Storycorps project.  It all began when a private recording booth was set up in Grand Central station so that dyads of people could interview one another for one hour.  What I was not quite prepared for was how powerful many of the stories aired turned out to be. 

A key point of storycorp is the emphasis on the fact that "ordinary" people have extraordinary stories, studded with humor, love, pain, wisdom...and all too often left unsaid.  While driving home and listening to the radio, I was moved to tears but the first interview I heard.  Sisters were talking about their love for one another and how they suffered and battled one sisters' self-cutting compulsion.  Since then, stories have been recorded of marriage proposals, long lost family members, veterans' tales, and so much more.

In an electronic age where my 2 and 5 year old neices spend more time with their DS or my iphone than talking with us, the value of oral history and family traditions are easily be lost.  I hope you can join in the new national tradition of listening.  As someone who listens for a living, I can attest to the fact that every listener is enriched when someone shares their history and perspective, even for just one hour.

With All Our Strength

While in D.C. last week, I had the opportunity to meet Dr. Anne Brodsky.  Dr. Brodsky is the Director of the Gender and Women's Studies Program and a Psychology Professor at the University of Maryland.

She came to our conference to provide a lecture on how to conduct qualitative research, which is the type I enjoy most.  Qualitative entails utilizing measures of collection other than the more common research tools of statistics, surveys etc. 
In the same way I find Narrative Therapy a helpful and more organic feeling way of addressing human experience, I find qualitative more effective at capturing the nuances of lived experiences than quantitative measures.
Fear not, I won't bore you non-psychologist/researcher readers with a lecture about qualitative methodologies. 

What truly impressed me about Dr. Brodsky, was learning about how she applied her work in the field in Afghanistan.  She is the first writer to ever gain access to the Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan (RAWA).  We all get to hear many Western pundits bemoaning the burquas of this region, but the tale of an organization, thousands of women (and allies!) strong has not been told. 
The women in this book have endured traumas (war after war...) and obstacles (illiteracy, poverty) unimaginable to most of us, yet I admire that this book shows how even the powerless can organize resistance for the purposes of social justice.
Definitely a worthwhile read, that helps one understand Afghanistan on a level not accurately portrayed in most Western media, and one that helps realign the Western reader with the luxurious liberties we enjoy and must protect.

My thanks to Dr. Brodsky for her brave fieldwork and contribution to our expansion of knowledge (from the comfy safeness of our couches at home), as well as for coming to speak to those of us in D.C. for the American Psychological Association Minority Fellowship Program Summer Institute.  I'm always so inspired to learn of people doing good work in the world who still come and give back to the community!