Dr. Helen Hsu

Separations and Children

Many families, friends, and lovers have to endure separations due to military deployment, economic necessity, educational opportunity, incarceration, political strife, divorce, illness... In the age of Skype and texting, it's hard to imagine how humans ever survived long separations from their loved ones back in the days of waiting for boat-mail or lengthy journeys via horse caravan! It's hard enough for adults, but for children separations can be particularly frightening. The fear of abandonment lies at the heart of all of us, with its roots in childhood-when we depended on our caretakers for existence. When we are small, and in control of nothing - being away from family can be scary indeed. We always wonder if the parent or loved one is thinking of us. We worry if they are okay, if they miss us, if they obsess as we do... At YFS, our staff have worked with families enduring all sorts of separations. I wanted to share one of our favorite books for children dealing with separation from loved ones. Maybe you can incorporate this into your child's bedtime reading rotation:

The Triathlon Lesson

Every single supervisor, client, colleague, intern, or student I've had in the last 8 years has heard me rave about the mental health benefits of being physcially active.

There's a healthy body of research at this point (no pun intended) that indicates exercise can relieve mild mood and anxiety symptoms as easily as medications - and with no expense nor side effects. 

It always boggles my mind to speak with people who never break a sweat and live on Hot Cheetos-yet they can't seem to figure out why they don't feel well!

Of course exercise is just one aspect of health- a person in optimal health also needs to make time for social connections, meaningful work, a larger community, a healthy diet, and family.  We're all constrained by the budget of both time and funds in how we exercise. 

Even a short brisk walk break around a building during the workday is beneficial.  At public schools we gave kids pedometers and reminded them to aim for 2000 steps a day- doesn't matter if those steps are taken in the home, at school, at the store, just MOVE.  As a frugal graduate student I used to do yoga videos in my living room.

A colleague invited me to join in a relay sprint triathlon when I was on my final pre doctoral internship and struggling to complete my dissertation.  The camraderie and sheer joyful fun of running and biking, swimming and sweating turned out to be a powerful mental boost.  Indeed it built confidence and energy at a time when both had been flagging.  Since then I've "graduated" to 5K runs, 10K's, half marathons, full spring triathlons, and a 194 mile team relay.

I haven't participated in a triathlon for a few years now, mostly due to the expense of the gear and my limited availability for training.  Yet I always think about the experience fondly- the incredible thrill of competing against myself, and facing new challenges at every hard won step.  Mind you, these were mere sprint distance triathlons, but the rewards of completing a once impossible-sounding goal went far beyond the physical.  What was even more inspirational, was seeing dozens upon dozens of competitors who were significantly older than I am, and some youngsters too.  It is never too late, nor too early to get out there and do your best.

I recently attended a presentation By Dr. Cory Nyamora about the Therapist's role in reducing Childhood Obesity, and found it very timely.  The United States is facing a health epidemic of childhood obesity that threatens a painful future for far too many kids. 

I wish all these children had someone to guide them & teach them that their bodies are not the enemy!  Children have an inherent exuberance that tends to get dampened by too many days sitting in school chairs, and too many hours zoning on TV or video games.  Yet kids respond well to new adventures.  They need guidance to push themselves into learning their hidden potentials, to learn that after the intial discomfort-exercise becomes a natural high.

Dr. Nyamora runs a program that I wish I could enroll all our client families into: Fit Family Triathlon Team.  It's 12 week program with kids 8-14 years old that readies them (and a parent or two) for a California Kids' Triathlon.  Every Saturday the families go on fun outings to lose weight and build strength while spending quality time with family and new friends. 

For more information about Fit Family Triathlon Team & Dr. Cory Nyamora:

Endurance Center

Interested in a starter Sprint Triathlon?  A couple great local races for newbies:

Tri for Fun

Mermaid Series

 

Race to Nowhere - Fremont event to discuss testing & pressure on kids

I will be speaking as a member of a panel after the 7 pm showing May 21, 2011 of Race to Nowhere.  Please come watch the movie that has parents and communities talking about how high stakes testing is damaging education and child health. 

PRESS RELEASE: May 6, 2011

Contacts:

Lara York, Fremont Education Foundation 510-501-9675

Debra Watanuki, City of Fremont’s Human Relations Commission 510-921-8086

Sherea Westra, Fremont Unified District Teachers Association 510-299-4161

RACE SO WE ALL WIN

FREMONT, CA:  School reform has become an urgent national issue which must be discussed at our local level, which is why the Fremont Education Foundation (FEF), the City of Fremont’s Human Relations Commission (HRC) and the Fremont Unified District Teachers Association (FUDTA) have joined together to bring “Race to Nowhere” to Fremont on Saturday, May 21^st for two screenings at 2:00 and 7:00 p.m.

Unlike the other education documentaries, “Race to Nowhere” is the only film that shows what is actually happening to our kids as a result of current national policies and practices obsessed with testing, performance and competition rather than meaningful teaching and learning. “Race to Nowhere” finally gives voice to those on the front lines who are most affected by education policies - the students and teachers themselves. “Race to Nowhere” also is the only film to spotlight the intersection between health and education. “Race to Nowhere” invites all stakeholders to come together to find workable solutions. 

Filmmaker Vicki Abeles shares,  “As a mother, I experienced the stress firsthand and realized that no one was talking about it.  I felt compelled to speak out about this crisis by making a film and giving voice to the students, teachers, and parents.  I wanted to expose a deeper truth about our education system.  We are graduating a generation of robo-students, unable to think and work independently, creatively and collaboratively.”

“After viewing this film, I was compelled to find a way for more Fremontonians to share in this powerful experience and have meaningful conversations with the students, parents, grandparents,  teachers, business leaders, civic leaders throughout the City to find ways help our children lead healthier lives.  Our lives are successful not only measured our accomplishments but our journeys, mistakes and happiness.  When do we let our children today make mistakes?” Lara York, Board Member Fremont Education Foundation and Fremont Unified School District. 

“FUDTA invites all its members to explore these issues, together with the community, to share our experiences and hear those of others,” Sherea Westra, Vice-President of the Fremont Unified District Teachers Association.

“The health and well-being of our children is fundamental for our communities to thrive; it is a top priority for our society’s future.  We cannot pass the buck and say this is a problem for the schools to solve.  The solution must come from the entire community joining together to forge true reforms to ensure that our children have every opportunity to be healthy, inspired and contributing members of our communities,” Debra Watanuki, Commissioner Human Relations Commission.

“Race to Nowhere” is a call to action to challenge current assumptions on how to best prepare the youth of America to become healthy, bright, contributing and leading citizens. After seeing the film, your views on education and childhood will forever be changed.  The film empowers everyone to get involved and take ownership of what’s happening in our schools and communities. 

“Race to Nowhere”

Saturday, May 21^st

Washington West, Anderson Auditorium

2:00 p.m. screening followed by a discussion

7:00 p.m. screening followed by a panel discussion

Doors open 30 minutes before.

Purchase tickets online at: www.racetonowhere.com

$10 in advance.  $15 at the door.

Seating is limited.

 

 

The Fremont Education Foundation is a non-profit, tax-exempt, public charity, established in 1991, to encourage increased community involvement and investment in our schools. Our members include parents, educators, school administrators, business people, and others from our community.  We are an independent foundation that works closely with, but is separate from, the Fremont Unified School District.

The Fremont Unified District Teachers Association was chartered in 1965 and is the professional organization for the certificated personnel of the Fremont Unified School District. Our total membership is 1,800 full and part-time professionals. We are a charter of the California Teachers Association/National Education Association (CTA/NEA).

The City of Fremont's Human Relations Commission promotes and helps create a community
environment in which all men, women and children, regardless of race, religion, national origin, gender, disability or sexual orientation, may live, learn, work and play in harmony.

Angry Children

No, this is not a post about a variation on the Angry Birds game!  April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.  Which got me thinking about anger, and how lack of understanding and poor coping skills regarding anger often leads to family conflicts and sometimes violence.

Studies have shown that a fundamental error parents who abuse their kids make, is one of attribution.  So a parent who never studied childhood development (like most parents on the face of the earth!) thinks that their toddler is willfully being oppositional to something - instead of realizing that the child may be too young to tolerate or master the task at hand.

The link below is from: Adults & Children Together against Violence, a wonderful resource for parents as well as health care practitioners.  This page explains what normal child anger looks like at various developmental ages, and has some tips for modeling Do's and Dont's about expressing anger (i.e. it is OK to get angry & to tell someone, it is NOT OK to hurt others when angry).  There are also PDF hand outs and tip sheets about handling one's own grown up anger, dealing with childrens' anger and fighting, and teaching by example.

ACT website - Managing Anger

and to read with kids:

Even "positive" stereotypes are wrong

Many students and friends have wondered if I would write about Amy Chua the so called Tiger mother whose inflammatory "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior" essay set off an avalanche of controversy in the Wall Street Journal.

All I have to say is that one can pretty much read my past blog entries i.e. "Helicoper parents" and "Education Asian style", to know where I stand on the browbeating school of parenting.  Yes, I agree a parent should push their kids hard and spend lots of time overseeing homework and enrichment.  But I feel one can do so without resorting to a single minded pursuit that denies a child all semblance of autonomy and emotional curiosity/freedom.

It's harmful to all Asians and Asian Americans when stereotypes are flung wildly about like in this article.  The seemingly positive "Model Minority" stereotype denies each of us our individuality.

And it tries to lump Chinese with Burmese, Cambodians, Vietnamese, Thai, Taiwanese, Lao, Hmong, Japanese, Koreans etc...Amy Chua does not speak for all Asian moms, not even all Chinese mom, nor Chinese American moms.  The larger powers that be love the model minority myth because it upholds the falsehood that we live in a true meritocracy.  That anyone could have "perfect" kids like Amy Chua if they simply worked as hard as those zealous Chinese mom.  It simply isn't true.  Other Asians live in poverty or may not speak English or may have learning disabilities or war trauma, or any other number of different strengths and weaknesses. Most humans on earth, (to say the least of most Asians!) do not have the educational, health, housing, and financial benefits of someone like Amy Chua.

PLease take a read at the below statement to be released by the Asian American Psychological Association:

Asian American Stereotypes

Two instances of stereotypes of Asian Americans have recently surfaced in the media.
One involved media coverage of the book, Battle hymn of the tiger mother by Yale Law School Professor Amy Chua. The media coverage of Chua’s book focused on Chinese American parents
who are strict, critical, and emphasize their children’s academic success. A Wall Street Journal essay by Chua on the book is entitled, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”.

The second stereotype involved the exclusion of Asian Americans by the National Research Council (NRC) in their rankings of the diversity of doctoral programs. Non-Asian ethnic minority students, women, and international faculty and students were included in the rankings. The implication is that the achievements and characteristics of Asian Americans are on par with those of European Americans and for this reason, Asian Americans do not bring diversity to doctoral programs.

These instances that highlight academic success are stereotypic because not all Asian Americans fit these stereotypes. However, it could be argued in both cases that the stereotypes are positive and not harmful. Academic success, whether it be among children or among students and faculty in doctoral programs, is laudable. Nevertheless, harsh parenting is not uniformly effective, and may create undue pressure and have harmful psychological consequences. A harmful effect of the apparent success of Asian Americans in higher education is invisibility in the NRC data. However, many Asian Americans have unique cultures and experiences that enhance the diversity of institutions as much as the cultures and experiences of any other minority group.

Seemingly positive stereotypes of Asian Americans as academically successful also have not resulted in acceptance into mainstream American society. Research by psychologists Thierry Devos and Mahzarin Banaji suggests that Asian Americans are viewed as less American than members of other ethnic groups in the U.S. Academic success does not immunize Asian Americans from the discrimination that targets all ethnic minority groups in the U.S.

Discrimination toward Asian Americans ranges from microaggressions such as the question “where are you from?” to institutional discrimination, such as systematic exclusion from leadership positions based on perceptions of culturally-based personality characteristics of inscrutability and passivity.

Moreover, Asian American academic success may be perceived as threatening and some would contend that Asian Americans should not receive special attention because this would constitute an unfair advantage.

Stereotypes of any group are inherently inaccurate because they try to shoehorn all members of the group being stereotyped into a single conception while ignoring the wide diversity within the group. Moreover, some stereotypes are simply wrong and are perpetuated by the majority group in order to bias perception of the targeted group. Asians in the U.S. are from at least 30 different national and cultural backgrounds and there also is much individual diversity within any Asian American group. There certainly are unique, positive characteristics of Asian American cultures that may enhance well-being, including academic achievement.

However, an exclusive focus on the academic achievements of Asian Americans has rendered them invisible at times, threatening at other times, and overlooks their needs as a minority group. Indeed,there are many Asian Americans that fit the exact opposite of the academic success stereotype,with many struggling academically and living in poverty.

The Asian American Psychological Association encourages a balanced consideration of both the strengths and needs of the over 15 million diverse people of Asian ancestry in the U.S.

FYI to read what all the fuss is about:

Education Asian Style

I was thrilled to see our Asian Canadian neighbors making a serious attempt to talk with their communities about the narrow and unhealthy over-emphasis on University education & particular areas of study:

Educators encourage Asian education options

It seems obvious really.  It is statistically impossible for the vast majority of Asian young people to all be accepted into "brand name" universities.  Also impossible, that those who do get accepted, will all want to be doctors, lawyers, and engineers.
(Oh, OKay, maybe a professor or an MBA would be all right so long as the school was sufficiently fancy.)

There is little use for person in the real world whose only skills are in memorizing textbooks or code.  What about civic mindedness, empathy, self reflection, morality, intuition, creativity, independence, bravery, kindness, or charisma?

Forcing young people into ill fitting majors at ill fitting universities is more likely to lead to anxiety and depression than a lifetime of joy.  I know many parents push this so hard because they think checking off the list of educational accomplishments is some kind of guaranteed ticket to the good life.  It simply isn't so. 

I know unemployed Ivy League graduates.  I also know fantastically happy, creative, and wealthy State college or community college graduates.  I am fond of cheerfully pointing out to clients that I probably never had a 4.0 since Junior high school!  They look shocked.  I think they are shocked that I would admit such a shameful (gasp!) thing openly, but I also hope they are comprehending my point that lack of academic stardom did not keep me from finding well-paying work whichI love.  I never had a stellar GPA because I was busy. Busy with drama, dance classes, friends, volunteer work (and this was before schools required volunteer hours), hiking, traveling internationally, and working part-time.  What I lost in grade points I gained in spades in life experience. 

Many of my clients who did what they were told to all their lives have made the unpleasant discovery as young adults that they do not know now how to self-direct.  And that all their hard work and studying did not make life feel meaningful.
That maybe they should have followed their original dream of being a social worker, actor, mechanic, fireman, chef, or dancer...

Certainly some parents are understanding now the value of balancing a child's humanity with their academic achievements.  I am glad that as a community we are dialogueing about this topic.  Children are meant to be more than show ponies who are loved only if they fulfill their parents academic dreams.
And planning a child's life path from Kindergarten through graduate school for them is unhealthy.  Education, true wisdom comes from living, so let your child truly live.

Parenting the Teenaged Brain

I first dissected a sheep brain in 1991.  As a fellow mammal, sheep brains bear a close resemblance to our own mysterious brains.  Ferrying that brain around in a glass jar was a crude, yet educational introduction into the marvel that is a human brain. 

Every year since then,neuroscience continues to make new discoveries and improve our understanding of the parts and whole of our brains.

One important fact, which parents have long suspected, is that there is something wrong their teenagers' brains. 

The most complex portions of a human brain, responsible for judgment and impulse control, are not developed in a teen.  So for some years, you may be living with a near-adult sized person, who still functions with a child-like sense of self reflection and self control. 

This explains how a perfectly intelligent teen can still engage in wildly dangerous choices on a fairly regular basis. What's a parent to do?

Simple suggestions: Get educated.  No one expects you to become a child development expert.  But take some time to learn about adolescent development. 

Find out more about your child's peers and school. 

Do not assume that talking to them one time or one hundred times about something means they will follow your warnings and advice. 

Help them prepare to be adults with active frontal lobes (higher brain)- but be ready to catch them when they make mistakes (and have mood swings). 

Toys for Teaching Feelings

Parents who excel at talking to adults often report feeling stumped about how to teach "EQ" emotional intelligence to their small children.  One of the first areas of mastery for emotional intelligence is the ability to know oneself. 

The ability to identify one's own emotions and express them is an important skill.  From there, a person can proceed to communicate needs, and learn empathy and understanding for others' emotions. 

These so called "soft" skills can actually present a lifelong advantage for any person who masters them.  From schoolyard to office jungle, EQ forges self control and social alliances.

So have those conversations with your little ones (even your big ones).  Label feelings.  Identify them.  Model appropriate coping and empathy.

Some toys to assist:

Communication Games

When it comes time to gather family & friends over the holidays, take some time to talk and play games the old-fashioned way...you know, before electronic gadgets.  I am not anti-electronics, heaven knows plenty of them exist in my home.  But I am very PRO-communication. Communication skills are hard-won, hard-earned and learned even in the best situations.

So why not practice listening, sharing, and getting to know those around you better while relaxing with some games? We often utilize these activities in psychotherapy (with children or teens in particular), but they have helped many families "break the ice" after forgetting how to connect.

National Day of Listening 2009

National Day of Listening

As an alternate or addendum to the usual Black friday retail frenzy, I would like to suggest that we contribute to the Storycorps tradition.  As an avid NPR listener, and an enthusiast of oral histories, I exepcted to enjoy the Storycorps project.  It all began when a private recording booth was set up in Grand Central station so that dyads of people could interview one another for one hour.  What I was not quite prepared for was how powerful many of the stories aired turned out to be. 

A key point of storycorp is the emphasis on the fact that "ordinary" people have extraordinary stories, studded with humor, love, pain, wisdom...and all too often left unsaid.  While driving home and listening to the radio, I was moved to tears but the first interview I heard.  Sisters were talking about their love for one another and how they suffered and battled one sisters' self-cutting compulsion.  Since then, stories have been recorded of marriage proposals, long lost family members, veterans' tales, and so much more.

In an electronic age where my 2 and 5 year old neices spend more time with their DS or my iphone than talking with us, the value of oral history and family traditions are easily be lost.  I hope you can join in the new national tradition of listening.  As someone who listens for a living, I can attest to the fact that every listener is enriched when someone shares their history and perspective, even for just one hour.