Dr. Helen Hsu

Separations and Children

Many families, friends, and lovers have to endure separations due to military deployment, economic necessity, educational opportunity, incarceration, political strife, divorce, illness... In the age of Skype and texting, it's hard to imagine how humans ever survived long separations from their loved ones back in the days of waiting for boat-mail or lengthy journeys via horse caravan! It's hard enough for adults, but for children separations can be particularly frightening. The fear of abandonment lies at the heart of all of us, with its roots in childhood-when we depended on our caretakers for existence. When we are small, and in control of nothing - being away from family can be scary indeed. We always wonder if the parent or loved one is thinking of us. We worry if they are okay, if they miss us, if they obsess as we do... At YFS, our staff have worked with families enduring all sorts of separations. I wanted to share one of our favorite books for children dealing with separation from loved ones. Maybe you can incorporate this into your child's bedtime reading rotation:

What is a successful divorce?

Some say that all good things must eventually come to an end.  The "what goes up, must come down" philosophy of life.  In marriage, we all enter the commitment with high hopes that the inevitable end will come only when "death do us part."

Yet we've all read the scary statistics bandied about that say 50% of all U.S. marriages will end in divorce.  Many of us who have been trained to read research carefully have issue with that over-generalization of the stats.  It's not accurate, and the statistics vary based upon too may factors to describe here.  Second and third marriages are known to fail more frequently that first ones, and those skew the statistical bent even more.  I won't bore you with a treatise on statistical analysis here (not my forte anyway), but suffice to say that one should look at all research findings with a giant grain of salt and a series of questions about quality of research design.  Don't ever believe someone simply because they throw a stat or a cool graph at you or say they are scientists.

Regardless, it is a fact that divorce is common.  Just because something is common does not mean it is easy.  Things like grief and bereavement or cancer and miscarriage are common too but no one would dare say those are easy to survive.  Most people fail to realize that getting a divorce is a lengthy and complex process that takes a great deal of time, legal assistance, financial savvy, and emotional endurance and (ideally) growth.  In the movies it seems like all one has to do is: storm out of the room demanding a divorce, show up with papers to sign, and move your stuff.  

I've listed a few books below which I feel provide important information for those navigating the minefield of divorce. Emotional and existential questions, financial chaos, legal quirks, and re-establishing a meaning and identity and family after all the adjustments are finally complete (if ever).

I say, "if ever" because one of the saddest things I have seen as a psychotherapist are people who have unsuccessfully divorced.  It sounds odd to call a sad thing like divorce "successful", but some are. 

The point of a divorce is to dissolve a marriage that for one reason or another is not working out.  In an ideal situation, both parties would eventually learn more about themselves, resolve the property and financial details that need to be settled, address the needs of children, family, and pets, and then move on without excessive bitterness, sadness, or continued conflict.  Not every couple can split amicably and be friends, but many can split reasonably and move forward.  These people may look back on that marriage with regrets but they are no longer battling for vindication or control.  It's over.

In unsuccessful divorces, one or both parties continues to hold unusually strong negative feelings, hostility, or inappropriate attachments long after the legal marriage has ended.  I have seen couples still actively bickering about faults and blame more than a decade after their divorce.  I've seen the drain this causes on children and resources, and how the divorce failed to end the conflicts and unhappiness.

In a successful divorce, you no longer have your former partner or dreams, but the strife ends.  In unsuccessful divorce, you have lost the partner and your former hopes, yet you still have ongoing strife.

Most couples wait too long before seeking professional assistance (some research notes that couples have been having issues at least 5 years prior to seeking couples counseling.)  By the time some couples came into my office, it was clear one or both already had a foot clear out the door.  For those who do make the choice to end a marriage, I hope you will put in the efforts to become educated about how to attain a successful and healthy divorce, and to learn from your experiences.

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